In this current generation, self-acceptance has become all the rave. We as a people have acknowledged the fact that we are flooded with flaws. We have taken those flaws and have showcased them to the entire world. We have become fierce, brazen, unapologetic and bold in the expression of our flaws. If by chance those flaws are not accepted, we have no trouble hitting block, delete, cancel and banishing naysayers into the oblivion of our righteous indignation. We have become a “take me as I am generation” and we are not sorry for it.
The thing about adopting this mindset in its entirety is that it leaves no room for growth. In our personal relationships with others, we have become insufferable as we have lauded our personal freedoms over the beauty of respectful togetherness. We want our partners, our friends, our loved ones to just accept the flaws that could ultimately prove detrimental to a relationship. While recognizing and accepting our flaws can be personally empowering and assist in the construction of our confidence, there are some flaws that should not be tolerated and yet in our effort to prevent further assault to our egos, we refuse to acknowledge this.
I have come to realize that repression breeds hedonism. For years we have been told to hide, deny and suppress the existence of our flaws for the sake of finding someone to love. We have been told to mask our human in order to make sure we are ready for love. We have shaved, plucked, tweezed, waxed, polished and groomed every portion of our personality in order to make ourselves prize pigs ready to be sold at the county fairs of public opinion. However our glorious strut to first prize could not last forever as the pendulum of change came crashing back towards the other extreme- the hedonistic devil-may-care expression of our flaws. The unabashed way in which we parade around celebrating our brokenness and dysfunction has caused the standard of living to decline. The stock on humanity and love has severely plummeted. A sense of moral rectitude has evaporated into thin air. We are now a people who crave the “good ole days” when dates were a means to build a future and not merely ways to dupe someone out of their chastity. In trying to find a balance between expression and transformation, we have landed in a place where we no longer know how to be with one another in any real way. We don’t even know how to be with ourselves and this is beginning to take a toll on our relationships with others.
In our relationships we have this “take me as I am flaws and all” mindset. However operating under this mindset implies that we should just tolerate any crude, awful, tactless, ill-concerned behavior another person has to dole out without holding space for improvement. There is such a thing as boundaries and deal breakers in a relationship meaning that you cannot just do whatever you feel in the context of a relationship. There are some “flaws” that could seriously interfere with the progression and maintenance of a relationship and if not addressed, could result in the eventual termination of said relationship.
Given this fact, it really behooves everyone who is in a relationship, be it platonic or romantic to really begin examining and addressing their own flaws and not expecting others to just put up with their flaws in the name of love because love also involves making sure that we are good TO and FOR others. It involves us doing our individual work so that we do not take our emotional wounds and bleed out onto other people. It is about us saying to ourselves “yes, I am broken, damaged, hurt and wounded, but what am I doing about it?”. Too many times I see people saying “yes I am broken, hurt, wounded and damaged but take me as I am, this is me, take it or leave it!” When presented that way, the natural thing to do is leave it because who wants to put up with someone who is only going to spew off a laundry list of the many ways in which they are messed up without any sense of accountability or willingness to address their dysfunction? To accept dysfunction and tolerate distortion is a form of endorsement. It means that you cosign the proliferation of their dysfunction and this provides them with an out, an excuse when they mess you over as you were warned of their dysfunction early on and instead of taking those read flags as gospel and getting the hell outta dodge, you chose to stay. Sometimes choosing to stay committed to drama is also choosing the consequences of said drama.
Knowing this, I now look for those who are actively working on addressing their flaws. Sure I realize that we are all flawed, damaged, imperfect human beings who come to the table with our failures, our foibles, our heartbreaks and our mistakes however, what are you doing to become better? Are you content with staying as you are or do you want to be more? Do you have the interest and propensity for personal and relational growth or are you comfortable with complacency and content with being the relational status quo? These are important questions to ask ourselves and others before we embark on the journey of a loving bond.
Thing is this: Change is a part of life. It is what makes this journey interesting. We are not immutable beings, static and impervious to change. We can change as this is nature’s way. And while change is inevitable, growth is optional. We dignify ourselves when we hold out opportunities for personal growth. We say to ourselves that we are enough as we are but we could always be more and it is in the desire to be more we make the world a better place for ourselves and others. Imagine if our ancestors settled into their lot in life and refused to reach for more. Where would we be? Probably still shackled to a plantation. However, they had vision and executed that vision by faith and taking the action steps needed to build a foundation for those who succeeded them. In keeping with their vision, we don’t just settle for the first offer this life offers us, that offer being our flawed selves. We recognize that we are worth the effort, that there is always room to be better. We negotiate our changes and make sure that we take the necessary steps to make those changes come to fruition knowing that we can always be more. Our very existence from birth to now is proof of that. Cheers to always striving to be more!
Luis Speaks 