I am a single man. Everyday my day consists of waking up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, watching television, reading a book then going to bed. Occasionally I will spice things up by engaging in fun times with friends and family but mostly I enjoy spending time alone. Having such quality alone time affords me the wonderful opportunity to plunge into various hobbies and interests often times denied me due to my grueling work schedule. Also it allows me the chance to recharge and reconnect with myself so that I am able to be present for not only those I serve but also those I love and care about. Lately I have noticed this unspoken air of sorrow that hints across the faces of those who you tell this to. They feel that if you are without a partner or without children, you are somehow deserving of pity-infused empathy as it is believed that having a family is the American dream. Suffice it to say, singletons are not included in this dream.
So, what pre-tell is the American dream? Traditionally it consists of one husband, one wife, 2.5 children, a house and a white picket fence. Of course in our traditional-intolerant age of rebellion (often for the sake of ingenuity and survival), many versions of this dream have been created to accommodate the unorthodox. However each novel version does not factor in the possibility of singlehood as a viable alternative. We as a society are told that in order to be happy, you must be partnered. This message has been hammered into our consciousness from birth as we are told we are no good alone. In an effort to reduce the guilt and shame we feel for being alone, we spend our entire lives seeking out the validation and companionship of others. Granted no man or woman is an island unto themselves and we require some level of contact in order to function well however we are never told that being single can be just as rewarding, if not more so than being partnered.
Growing up, the idea of marriage always seemed to be this long term goal that I was encouraged to be striving towards. Dating was not seen as something that can be enjoyed but rather as a matrimonial prerequisite that needed to have a bottom line, a destination, an end point, that endpoint being nuptials, an overpriced wedding and a threshold in which to carry my betrothed. The vows I made to myself seemed to be less important that the vows I was encouraged to draft for another. This is when I started to contemplate the many ways that singletons are often denied inclusion in the American dream.
For one, those who enjoy a single life are expected to pay more for everything. From travel to theatre tickets, most single individuals do not benefit from the group rate. This subtle exclusion affects their ability to build the wealth necessary in order to successfully retire, requiring them to create many contingency plans in order to ensure that they receive proper care in their twilight years.
Also the media does not really depict single men and women enjoying life. Shows that explore single life either always promote the acquisition of a partner or highlight the perils of being single. Such shows always make it seem as though being single is something to be sad about and pitied by John and Jane Q. Public. It is always served up as a lamentation and cautionary tale used to scare young men and women either to the altar or in the arms of a partner where their single status can be altered.
I have to admit that I have drank the kool aide. I am still working on being completely comfortable in my single skin. Every now and again I find it hard to go out to certain venues alone because I fear the watchful eyes of others. I imagine them pitying me and seeing me as some poor lonely pathetic soul. Sadly we have equated being alone with being lonely and that right there is a common misconception. Yet in all honesty I still carry the consciousness of my generation in my back pocket and in doing that, have often grappled with the idea of doing things alone. Not to mention past childhood conditioning and skewed messages hardwired into my head on what it means to be single. Stir that into the single mixture and you have a bewitching brew of self-doubt and personal dissatisfaction with your single status.
I think it is high time we as a society reimagine what it means to be single. In an effort to get reacquainted with the pleasures of being single, I have made it my aim to associate with swinging singles and see how they live. Many times they thrive on being so immersed in their individual hobbies and interests they do not have time to entertain the idea of a partner. When they do feel lonely, they keep busy in the service of self and others and have cited this as a primary intervention to alleviate loneliness. Others have challenged their own notions about being single by taking planned trips alone. They opt to expose themselves to what troubles them most about being single in order to dispel myths they have held about singlehood. Often times they realize that the biggest impediment to enjoying single life is the beliefs they held about what it means to be single. After they challenge those beliefs through independent engagement, they realize that a lot of what they believed was just all in their heads.
Enjoying single life can be just as rewarding and fulfilling as having a partner. There is no one prescription for happiness. And despite our nations overemphasis on having a mate, fact is there are many unique versions of togetherness that can be included in the American dream. Realizing this is necessary in order to debunk myths about being single and begin to include it into the definition of the American dream. For me being single within the context of the American Dream includes: one whole me, a sense of purpose and fulfillment in my career, plenty of exciting hobbies and interests and a “rewirement” plan that ensures I am cared for during my twilight years. Having these essential ingredients will ensure that I as well as many other successful singles enjoy life to the absolute fullest.
Luis Speaks 