Our generation has an intense love affair with the term toxic masculinity. This term has been disgracefully weaponized and used as a reason to discredit and undermine the agency of men. While once deemed a catch-all term used to describe the inappropriate and often times destructive behaviors of men, it has now become a scathing indictment towards masculinity and maleness as a whole. In my younger days I once subscribed to the ideology of toxic masculinity. However after careful consideration and newly acquired insight and information, I find that this term is outdated and a genderized misnomer that often times undermines the beauty and function of healthy masculinity. It has no place in the American lexicon and should immediately be removed when referring to masculinity.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some men that have had an ill-defined definition of masculinity which have caused them to enact some of the most brutal, heinous and inhumane acts of cruelty towards humanity ever recorded in human history. This is not to be ignored, belittled, mitigated or minimized at all. This is wrong. At the same time, I wonder if it’s logical to attribute such behavior to masculinity or rather something that is an expression of a disordered character irrespective of gender.
For centuries the concept of masculinity and maleness has been ill-defined. It has been based on misinformation, myth and cultural misconstructions of the past. It has been a patch work quilt filled with historical prescriptions, beliefs, customs, traditions and norms that have not spoken to the humanity in masculinity. For years men have had to live under the weight of such definitions, ones even they helped create. Common myths like “real men don’t cry” and “Real men don’t ask for help” often times have worked to create, support and maintain the myth of toxic masculinity. However toxic masculinity is a lie. Most men have experienced what I will refer to as a wounded masculinity which is a masculinity that has been lied to, one that has been abused and tormented by misperception and misinformation. The difference between toxic masculinity and wounded masculinity is this: Toxic masculinity is a shaming, punitive term that feels more like an indictment on ones own character than on ones true nature. A wounded masculinity is less of an accusation and more of a call to action/ call to healing.
Using the term toxic masculinity implies that masculinity is something that is poisonous and disruptive to the overall milieu of society. The simple juxtaposition of those two words toxic and masculinity is in and of itself a subtle form of gender bias that carries implications and highlights our cultures current devaluation and disdain of masculinity. Such a blatant disregard for how such a term affects men is inherently abusive.
Additionally the term toxic masculinity leaves no room for compassion towards men and fosters a double standard where women who exhibit toxic traits are given grace, understanding and are offered excusatory justifications/rationalizations for their poor behaviors whereas men are not extended the same grace but rather tried, sentenced and burned at the stake without any consideration for how society has often times locked men into their genderized roles and responsibilities with no concern as to how that affects the male psyche.
As mentioned previously, men have historically abused their power and have used their privilege to subjugate, subordinate and subdue women. This is not ok and has unfortunately yielded an increasing level of mistrust when it comes to male leadership, male authority and male agency. However such misuses of power cannot be attributed to gender and masculinity. It can however be attributed to a disordered character which is gender neutral.
Masculinity has served many purposes and functions in society today and is not something to be mocked, demonized or vilified and yet that is what is happening today. The media has made it ok to smack, hit and abuse men under the misguided belief that they must have done something to deserve it. When men do decide to reach out for help, they are often confronted by the emasculating tones of both women and men. Often times their sexual orientations and level of masculinity will be called into question should they find themselves in a place where they need assistance or support. This explains why most men have opted to suffer in silence with respect to mental health issues, substance abuse issues and domestic violence concerns. I don’t know how many times I have seen women criticize a man for needing and getting the very help that they often times have encouraged them to get in the first place. It seems that some women perpetuate the very behaviors they deem as “toxic”. They too have upheld this myth of toxic masculinity, a myth that has kept them imprisoned as much as it has men.
But the real culprit in the perpetuation of the myth of toxic masculinity isn’t just the demonization of masculinity. The real culprit is the genderization of unhealthy behavior. Such gender-based assumptions of maladaptive behavior lead to stereotyping and feeds the machine of bias that adversely impacts relationships between all human beings.
Instead of genderizing unhealthy behaviors, it is important to realize that unhealthy traits are universal. It has nothing to do with ones masculinity or femininity but rather on ones poor character. For example, often times it is assumed that men who are in supervisory roles can be blowhards who lead with their egos. However, I have been supervised by women who have allowed their own biases/radical feminist agendas to interfere with their ability to be impartial and have tried to reenact the same behaviors towards men that they themselves have found to be problematic. I’ve come to realize that men and women are not that different when you add power dynamics to the mix. Absolute power corrupts absolutely period regardless of gender.
What I have come to realize about the term toxic masculinity is that it discounts the good man, the one who is righteous and well-spoken of. It renders the good man invisible and upholds the negative trope of “all men are the same” which ultimately denies women the good men they claim to want by virtue of their core-limiting beliefs alone. Think about it: If all you are told is how toxic, abusive and controlling men are, you will begin to associate that behavior with ALL men and assign those traits exclusively to men which creates a skewed perception about men. Such absolutist thinking fosters generalizations that devalue the contributions that masculinity has made and continues to make in this world while perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Additionally, some good men have erroneously taken it upon themselves to become the trope in which they are imprisoned by. They reason “If you’re gonna call my masculinity toxic, then I might as well be toxic” especially considering the toxic man trope seems to be more appealing to unevolved women than that of the quintessential good man.
The myth of toxic masculinity is a limiting myth, one rooted in misinformation and misconception. It becomes crucial that we look at behaviors as opposed to gender. Also it is important that we as men and women begin to encourage wounded masculinity to find its healing place, not calling it out so much as we call it in. Men need the same amount of compassion and understanding as women. This does not mean absolution or elimination of consequence for our inappropriate actions. It means that we stop equating masculinity with toxicity and begin to separate gender and character as they are mutually exclusive. What makes the difference between us healing and regressing is the level of compassion that we give to human beings. It is high time we extend this compassion to our men as we just might be that first introduction, that initial invitation to transformation that is necessary in the unveiling the beauty that is healthy masculinity.
Luis Speaks 